Depression sucks-physiological

me4

‎Sunday, ‎October ‎09, ‎2016
Depression Sucks.
I’ve been really searching for alternatives to taking this medication. I don’t like being on it. I’ve been on it since 2000. That’s four years of not being able to cry.
Of course, the reason I am on it is that the alternative situation is worse: sinking into severe depression. Typically, I just sleep a lot. That’s probably the major symptom for me. And it is related to another symptom: lack of motivation. At my worst, I feel so unmotivated and heavy in my chest that it seems that if I were to stop moving, I’d fall over and just lie on the ground till I expired. Happy thought, no?

But lately, over this last winter, I’ve been noticing other things about my state of mind. And these clue me in to the fact that the medication isn’t really helping, or at least it isn’t bringing me to the level of normal emotional functioning. Currently, I’m suffering from anhedonia—the inability to experience pleasure. Nothing excites me. And nothing looks appealing enough to pursue, either. In fact, I feel like an old person just waiting to die, like I’ve experienced all that life has to offer and that I, at some point, stumbled upon what I was supposed to do in this life, and now there’s nothing left to do or work towards. It’s not that I’ve lost hope. Life does seem like it’s worth living. I’ve just lost vision—there’s nothing to work towards.

It’s this last self-revelation that told me that I might not be normal. It’s hard to know what normal is, even for the healthy, but I can’t imagine that most people are walking around out there just waiting to die. So I must be an anomaly.
Yet, I’m not totally sick. I know this because I can still concentrate enough to read (and apparently write), my life is empty. I long for some happiness or passion.
Neither my mentor nor my girlfriend understand why I am taking this medication, perhaps because there is no concept of clinical depression in the Chinese , or perhaps because medicine isn’t something you take forever.( or is it?) I hope that this entry will at least help them to see that my depression is real and that (perhaps) the medication is keeping me afloat. I don’t really want to see how far I would sink if I were to stop taking it. But I do long for an alternative. In any case, I need to find something better.
I tried to cut back once years ago, after all I never took drugs or even aspirin in my life until after Viet Nam of course. Now, I am told I will be on it till the day I die. Is that the day I choose or go in my sleep or when my mentor the Va doctor decides without telling me?
Seeming not old at 70 years old as of October the 11th in two days. The mind is active as you can see and I still have that rage as many people my age or younger with if there will be World War III or not with Russia and China soon because of our greed as well as wanting a one world government being the USA. Which I already can say is never going to happen with this older generation. With the younger, I have my doubts as I pen or type this.
As it stands I can no longer run or even hide so I will have to stand my ground and hopefully take as many with me as they wish to take me should that come to past in the future should I live till that time. Which I feel is the only reason to be living now is because of my war attitude and no nonsense attitude or being politically correct as these youngsters feel is correct for the majority.
As for the majority I call them sheep as well as cowards and willing to knee in order to have their heads chopped off or even shot while standing at attention before those cowards with a group of thinking alike in a cowards way to take a single man down.
You need to be as me in order to enjoy my company as I am offended by anyone that talks down to anyone when even out for the pleasure of a meal. I am honest as well very open as to if I like or dislike anything even people. Pre-judge, we all do it but of course those that say no such thing are liars already as they do until something is said to change that pre judging attitude.
PTSD it is called, no it’s still depression no matter the fancy word used now days. Something that you live daily and every night when you go to bed. A war that your fighting until it awakens you to seek something out to take your mind back to what is called normal. What is normal?
Is it normal to have a president that hates America and shows it as a leader of this country? Is it normal to have an ex-first lady running as president that was even banned from practing law because of lie’s and pay offs as well as drug dealing with her husband the President of this once great country wanting every woman under his desk giving blow jobs?
If that is normal then I suppose I am as well at 70 years of age. Just honest is all and that is no longer normal in this society! What a sorry state were all living in and sadly all going to pay that final hell fire price very soon.

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